Creatures with Intentions

We are creatures with intentions.

When we consciously want something, we will go for it. And there’re two ways to express ourselves: Either directly or indirectly.

Direct and Indirect

Human are social animals. We depend on each other very much, whether we like it or not. No man is an island, therefore, we rely on others to fulfill our needs and wants, and in return, we contribute to the dynamics of resource exchange.

In school, your teacher wants you to finish your homework. He clearly states the desire through his firm commands, and that is a direct method of expressing our intentions. He states the amount of work to be done and to be handed in at a fixed date. And sometimes coercion is used when he states the punishment for not completing the job. You, as a student, will clearly understand what he wants and when he wants it.

When a baby is born, it wants milk. What does it do? Cry. Crying to get attention from the mother to deliver the milk. And the crying is an indirect approach. The mother has to understand what the baby is trying to hint through the crying, since the baby is unable to convey its intention through words.

But how about the ones who are able to speak? In a relationship, there are a lot of guessing games between boys and girls. Not only do boys grumble about their girlfriends not directly expressing their wishes, but the girls are also facing similar situation where they have to comprehend their boyfriends’ masculine ego. Each other is expecting one another to notice and understand non-verbal cues, and often times, the intention is not properly conveyed.

Intentions are everywhere

When you go to the bookstore, you can grab any books discussing about non-verbal body language. There are a lot of signs expressed through our body movements, and a subtle and seemed insignificant action may portray our inner feelings.

While that may be true, accept the fact that we are no psychology or any experts. Ability to notice trivial body language requires practice in observation and correct interpretation on the meanings behind every movement. So, do we need to crack our heads and pain our eyes to see the little details?

I’m not saying no. In fact, I would love to do that. But reading body language doesn’t mean you can completely comprehend your target. Intentions, as I mentioned on the title, are more important. What does your target want? What do you want? That’s the questions you would want to answer and body language is just one of the many effective ways to gather the information for your answer.

Misinterpretation

Misinterpretation can be deadly, but I certainly try to avoid telling people: YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME. Because it seems like telling people, you’re too stupid to understand what I am saying. Perhaps I was disappointed by the recent fiasco in our country’s politics, where some people with positions explaining that their words are misquoted and twisted.

Misinterpretation can be seen as the inability of the message sender to communicate, and/or the inability of the message receiver to decipher the intention through the message received. While we can sit aside pointing fingers at each others’ faults, I prefer to take the blame on me and improve my own communication methods. The reason is because it is easier to change our own methods of expression than to change others’ point of view. Hence, misinterpretation can be narrowed by understanding our own methods of expressing our intentions.

I believe some of us effortlessly remind ourselves regarding the matters in relationship. Yes, it is one good example where miscommunication occasionally happens and the effects are beyond devastating. Why can’t he/she be clearer and tell me directly? This is one of the FAQs in relationship matters. I can’t say how you should deal with it, because I don’t know you and your partners’ habits and personalities. Some people have to spend great deal of time to be together to take note of each others’ routine and customs, and develop an instinct to react accordingly. Some people are plainly direct, and while that would sound to be good at first, imagine a partner who constantly talks anything and everything out of his/her mind. That may be a storm in brewing.

Opportunity and threat

Basically, like the Chinese proverb, 趋利避害, every of our intentions can be perceived as to pursue for a benefit, or to avoid danger. We are constantly impacted by our surroundings and people around us (thanks to our need to socialize), and therefore we often need to react to the changes or events occurred. Most of the events, if not all, happen to benefit and/or harm some parties. Hence when we are approached with an opportunity, we will work towards it. And when we are faced with a threat, we are likely to pull ourselves away from it.

This generalization (it is a generalization, bear in mind) could be further proved (or disproved) by your own experience. So let me share a little bit of a story which happened to be subjected to my own biased explanation.

Some of my friends from UUM Marketing degree will agree that there are lecturers who are inclined to award higher marks and there are those who work the opposite way. It cannot be any truer, since courses in university are subjected to the lecturers’ arrangement. If the lecturer has high expectation on the course, therefore the students would have to do more works, and at the same time pray hard that the lecturer has mercy on their grades. Often times, they’re labeled as the killers.

So, what does the student do? Avoid these lecturers, obviously. If there are alternatives, the student would choose to drop from the class and try to enroll into the other “better” lecturers. If not, then there’s work to do. And normally students will scout around (gather intelligence from their peers and seniors) to find the ideal class to enroll before the course officially commence. See the dynamics of approach and avoid?

In life, there are more examples. We are naturally attracted to high pay job which requires less effort. Why? Because we want the lucrative income and we try to avoid hectic workload. Even though our conscious mind warns us that success comes after hard work, we seemed to have an embedded lazy gene in our body that makes us believe high reward low risk situation do exist.

*Note: And sadly enough, that’s how the scams and frauds nowadays work.*

Emotions and body language

Our emotions affect our intentions, and that often can be expressed (mostly unconsciously) through body language. When we are angry, we will show signs of stress, and we could be biting our lips without us realizing it. An example of direct expressions would be to utter harsh curses, and for indirect expression, an example of repressing our anger is to take a deep and slow breath. Love is also the same. A vibrant lover would choose to speak out her thoughts and emotions constantly with the 3 letter words flooding through messages and phone conversations. How about an introvert lover? As you may have guessed it, one of the ways is through signs of body language. Often time, introverts are more likely to express indirectly through subtle actions. That does not mean he or she is less passionate. It just means they choose to express themselves this way.

In our lives we see people who are outspoken, people who are tactful, and people who are in between. These are the colors of life. And it is just another example of expressing intentions. Intentions, whatever it may be, can be communicated as loud as possible, and also at the same time can be suppressed. Therefore, you see brash kindergarten children speak their thoughts out without considering the consequences (may not be a bad thing), and politicians normally hold back their thoughts and speak slower to avoid saying something they could’ve regretted. As you can conclude, it depends on who you are and what your personality is like, which determines your method of expressing your intentions.

Silence is golden

Have you ever wonder, with the advent of the internet and social networks, we are more expressive than ever? Thanks to Facebook, some of us routinely post statuses and comments from time to time, some of us update our photos and videos, and some of us are eager to share our current location and what we are doing. We are becoming more and more comfortable in voicing out ourselves in front of the computer screen.

I remember an old saying that goes, the more you talk, the more you’ll err. There are times when we do not wish to say something to a person, and we slip it out of our tongues, never to be able to pull it back. Facebook is a platform of people connected with people, and therefore its viral effect is tremendously powerful. Anything we say, it could be passed into others’ ears (eyes) in a matter of a few clicks on the mouse. Thence, I always think of what to post, whether or not to post a status or comment, because I do not intend to create conflict without intention to do so.

I’ve tried out my own moment of silence, staying away from the computer. I find that, when I stop thinking for a while, I stop talking. When I stop talking, I can momentarily relax my talkative mind (apparently it is not easily to be restrained). It is a very rewarding experience, I thought, until the day I stumble across a graphic novel, which a character in it reminds me of a very enlightening advice, and I try to rephrase what I’ve read here:

“Humans have forgotten a gift. A gift which they once cherished but now no longer appreciated. It is the gift of silence. Once upon a time, they are able to listen to their heart, listen to God. Now, they’re too insecure and occupy their waking time with all sorts of activities just to fill the void which cannot be filled. They abandoned their hearts, and they have been lost.

It is a novel about God and the devil, and everything in between. Therefore, strong words could have been used over there. When I read this paragraph, I realized that I hadn’t had a quiet time for myself. I’ve been trying to do all sorts of things to please myself and the others, and most of the time I found that my effort was wasted in vain. Then I came to realize that perhaps it wasn’t my fault of trying, it was my fault of not asking myself properly, What Do I Want for Myself?

We express ourselves to get attention, that’s one of the main purposes. We want people to notice us, and as we feel that we know more and more people but less and less people are there to care for us (even notice our existence), we become louder and louder, in order to make them aware of us and to accompany us, even for a short moment. This insecurity has been camouflaged under many skins, one of them is through Facebook. I’ve read and noticed for myself that when I post a status, part of me crave for “likes” in the status. I saw this in me, and I told myself that this is not the way it is. At first I tried to explain to myself, and the more I come up with reassuring reasons, the more I felt that I was just covering up my void. And I stop reasoning with myself for the “true” reason to post a status, because it is just another reason for me to hide my insecurities. I just want to do it, and I done it, and I move on. It’s as simple as that.

That’s why silence is one of the lessons I’m learning today. Not to refrain myself, but to achieve freedom from my constant expressive behavior.

Conclusion

Intentions can be expressed directly and/or indirectly. Anyone can talk, but it takes effort to be a good communicator who can get his/her message across and knows when to pause to give space to the listener. It takes time to adapt and adjust.

And actually, we aren't that unpredictive at all.