Uninvited feeling

When you are lonely, what do you feel? 

1. Being alone and cold? 

2. Sad?

3. Want somebody to accompany? 

4. Admire others who have their own company?

(p/s: The list could be different depends on how you define loneliness)

Now let me ask you, please read the question patiently and answer it truthfully...

When you feel lonely, which specific feeling you noticed on yourself according to the list above? One, two, three, or all of the above?

What I want you to notice is that, most of the time, you don't have all of the elements of loneliness happened on you at the same time. Let me explain my crude assumption:

Scenario: You are alone at your room tonight. All of your friends are out to town partying. You are looking at the Facebook Wall waiting for the notification button to light up.

You saw your friends upload their pictures. Couple pics, activities pics, those pics made you felt... like you are not like them. You did not have the same experience as they do. You start to think that you are single. So in a Saturday night like this, you have nobody to date.

You suddenly felt... empty. Then you go into your mind. Try to define this feeling. What is the name of this feeling?

The closest answer your brain gave you is:

LONELY

You agreed with your brain. You then tell yourself, you are lonely. Then naturally, you recall the feeling of loneliness. What do you always feel when you are lonely? Your mind tells you, you will feel: "alone and cold, sad because nobody is around to share the moment with you, want somebody to accompany you now, and admire your friends who are having fun out in town".

Naturally, you start to recall those feelings. You start to notice that you are still alone in the room, with nobody around you to talk to you. You start to scroll the Facebook wall, trying to find someone to talk to you or comment on your status update. You could even find your phone, open the phone book, and find someone to message to him/her. You feel sad, because nobody responds to you. The time seems so long, and you hunger for the notification button to light up. You may open a new tab, but you don't know which website you should visit. You feel restless. You feel wanting a partner very much. You think you are desperate, but you do not want to be desperate. You try to act cool, but the void (emptiness) in your heart is beginning to grow wider and wider and wider.

Now stop.

And look back to the above paragraph. Ask yourself.

What did you feel before you start to "feel" lonely? Do you think after you "feel" lonely, you start to feel worse?

This is what I realized tonight. If you understand what I am conveying, then you will feel a sudden chill in your bones.

We are actually making ourselves feel more than what we felt, 

when we define our current feeling with a term.

I can elaborate much more, but I'll let you do the job for now. I'll allow you to learn about yourself, by yourself, for yourself.

Good night.

Peaceful void

Have you ever feel quiet inside your mind while doing something. Your hand keeps on the actions, but your mind enjoys a surprise peace, no talking, no monologue.

No direction, at least nothing talks you to do something.
No reasoning, you don't give yourself reason for doing something.

Something that you like, maybe once upon a time you enjoyed doing but over the time you forgot about it.

At that moment, you aren't quite sure what were you thinking, because it's been a long time you hadn't had a silence in yourself. You felt an awkward but soothing comfort.

Nothing changes in your appearance. Something changes in your mind.

You're not sure if you welcome the moment of silence.


And you close your eyes.

And open.

And you see a lot of choice in life once again.


I experienced a sudden moment of quietness while playing basketball just now. Enjoyed it.
Tired body, relaxed mind.

It may happen to you some time soon if you allow it.

Simple

Life can be real simple, isn't it?

One minute you're born,
Next minute you're gone.

Life's just simple.

One minute you're in love,
Next minute you're outta love.

Life ain't so simple sometimes.

One minute you're here,
Next minute you're still here.
The next hour you're still here.

Life sometimes doesn't move on.

And the best part is?
Life has a simple joke wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you do.

That is when you are really confused about how to move on, it happens...simply.

Haha XD

Stress makes the world go round

Stress makes me happy. Because I have a goal to hit.
Stress makes me sad. Because I spend lesser time with my loved ones.
Stress makes me worry. Because I am uncertain if I can make it on time and at the right result.
Stress makes me tired. Because I exercised both my mind and body.
Stress makes me sane. Because life without stress is contented and growing laziness.
Stress makes me bored. Because stress itself kills all the fun emotions.
Stress makes my life goes round and round. And life without stress is perfectly unpleasant.

I tried to escape from stress, and I found out that I've left behind among my friends. Further and farther away. I was left at the same spot 3 years ago before I entering the university. I was at the same mental state 3 years ago after I was separated from you guys.

Nobody's gonna wait for me. I heard warnings, I heard encouragement, I heard people pushing me to go on. I was just too weak to move forward.

What have I done is irreparable but what am I going to do is a hope for the better. I still have a chance.

Everyone has a chance. To get out of where I sit now and move on with life.

Satisfaction is evil and static, life ain't so. Dynamic is complicated, so as life.


Sign off,
Phi

Reading habit

Reading 200 books is better than taking a degree. What do you think?

Reading is important. Reading is important.... However, nobody can bear reading incompetent materials. Reading a book written in a boring repeating fashion is like watching a forgetful old man who reads the newspapers, he forgets where he has read and so he starts from the beginning, again and again. Until the time ends you still couldn't understand what is he trying to say. A good book normally has a catchy beginning (i'm not implying catchy covers are good book because often time it's the other way round). It grabs your attention but not too firmly, and pulling you on and on until you finish turning all the pages. It's called page turner.

However, it's impossible (read: probably cannot) for a rookie to identify which books are good and which aren't. Good books do not show on cover pages, nor does it show on the first page of the content. That's why we cannot judge a book from its cover. Good books appear naturally once you get the feeling of reading, that is, you know what you like to read.

Actually, I come to think that reading books, be it a good one or not, is a win-win situation. That said, reading should be accompanied by thinking. After reading a book, we should think about the things that grab our attention the most and share it with our friends. With a lot of friends reading the same book, it is not necessary that everyone is noticing the same thing. Hence, by taking note of many things, ideas can be generated and so vision is widened. A book, be it bad or otherwise, is written from the soul of the writer. What can you share with your friends친구 ? Agree or not, viewpoints, and things which inspired you are among the many topics to talk about. A bad book can produce critical thinkers, provided that they operated the book in dimensions better than the writer's writing. A good book naturally can inspire readers, but it should not stop on that. Good book sometimes has a debatable point where readers can seek to improve the ideas said. For example, when a book says, management should be open to its employees. You can say, what is openness? How do we do that? What are the limits that should be imposed so that respect would not be trespassed? These a among the least dimensions that I can think about. And I believe readers like you can do better than me.

A friend told me that 19 books a year continually for 5 years you'll be unstoppable. 10 years perhaps you'd be owning people around you. 20 years? I'm sorry, people may be unable to pwn you. Lol. I love the idea that 19 books annually, but I don't think I could do it. 19 books? Not within my capability, unless... I read kindergarten books! But 19 kindergarten books sound absurd, so I read 18 kindergarten books and 1 university book! The next year I read 17 kindergarten books and 2 university book! And the following year 16 kindergarten books and 2 university books plus one book of my favorite. That habit of increment will be marvelous, don't you think so?

Ankle injured

~oh, just talk to me, oh baby baby talk to me, oh, hmm... la la la la~

Yeah, ankle is better now as in I can walk with lesser pain. One step at a time, the medicine man repeatedly quoting this phrase. Since Wednesday evening life has been handicapped. Much things can be seen, can be thought, but cannot be done. It left wide imagination in my mind that if recovered, I'd bounce back and train harder so to strengthen my body and protect it from further injury. While pain is bearable, but continuous itch periodically is a little more than irritating. Thank God it had not been worse, as I can see the swelling is gradually lessen. Let's just hope that it'll get better and better soon.

What have I been doing all these while, not blogging, is shamed to be said. It is shameful for me because I did nothing. Well, trying to do something is better than nothing at all. Games, food, sleep, these things are like fixed rotation in my predictable life. Predictable as not in factors outside affecting me, but my lifestyle is set to be such an unproductive manner. Thankful that I did try to learn a few "alphabets" of Korean. It's so much joy to be able to write "So Nyu Si Tae" in Hangul! (Don't get mad at me ;b)

~Just enJoy the show... I want my money back, I want my money back... Just enJoy the show~

Songs like Tie a ribbon round the old oak tree is considered oldies to me (Oldies = Songs I first listened before 10yrs old). Oldies are much comfortable to listen, and it's not so powerful. Nowadays lots of pop songs are quite "loud", as in making the heart pumping faster when listening to it. Oldies, on the other hand, tend to sooth my mood. Radio channel Lite N Easy is best listened during nights, where lots of calm can be felt along the rhythm of the musics being played. 

~I'm genie for your dream, I'm genie for your world, I'm genie for your wish~

Lots of love to you all, so long!

He who was there but could not be there

Have you ever got a ticket,
offering you to sit on a train travelling to a place where you weren't told, and then
what you did when you received the ticket was smiling at the person who gave it to you, and that
the person was going to board the same train with you, and you
did not accept the offer nor reject it, you were suspending the reply, and he/she
waited for a while, and then boarded the train first, and you
were still staring over the tracks, narrowing into the horizon, and you
kept wondering where the trail will take you to, you wished so much to know, yet you
stood there, not wanting to show any commitment to the journey, and then
the train honked its bell, signalling for take off, and you
still there hoping that you were at the end of the trail, so that you can decide if you should have boarded it, but before
you realize, the train has moved, yet you
did not make any effort to stop it, you were strolling in the station, and until
the next train came, you jumped into it happily, alone and still not knowing where the next train goes, but then
you thought that it's time to go, you don't want to be the last, and along
the journey you meet more and more passengers, each stranger crossed paths in your life, and you
thought that life is such a mystery, but when
you saw the picture of the person who gave you the first ticket reaching a place where you had always wanted to go, and you
still sitting on the train travelling to somewhere you are not sure of, will you
begin to feel anxious, feel regret, and feel helpless?

I missed the ticket to the first train, sat on a random train bringing me here, and going to somewhere I don't know.



"Life's a mystery. It unfolds to any color, but does it paint the picture in your heart?"

I woke up, and slept again

I woke up. 
From a sleep.
Not a sleep.
Of the body.
But the soul.
Everything seemed elusive.
Eyes are opened.
But can't see.
Ears are clear.
But can't listen.
All senses' perfect.
Ain't noticing anything.


It's been years. 
Since I realize. 
The days' different. 
The sky's changed. 
I wasn't me.
Is something else.
I cannot recognize.
I don't know.
Who am I.
Where am I.
What am I.
Am I still.
The one before?
It couldn't be.


I was lost. 
Where am I? 
Shouldn't be here. 
Such a place.
Got no names.
Everyone is walking.
Everyone is moving.
Nobody knows where.
They are heading.
Life's a routine.
They told me.
Just follow it.
So to survive.


Mindless I said.
But weren't I.
Just the same.
Loiter around aimlessly.
Slowly losing composure.
I was struggling.
I still remembered.
To break free.
From the pressure.
The reason then.
Due to surroundings.
It was yellow.
It was gold.


I ran away.
I barely remembered.
From that place.
From the beginning.
Away from all.
These hatred world.
Just to fall.
Into this one.
The same hatred.
right at here.
I then realize.
I couldn't escape.
They are all.
Just the same.


Who did that? 
I pity myself. 
Keep on searching. 
Find the culprit.
Who put me.
Into this pit.
I was angry.
I was doomed.
I was shaking.
To be free.
Find the answer.
Of all these.


I see things. 
That I saw. 
But didn't notice. 
I was left. 
In this place. 
Left to deteriorate.
Then I realized. 
It was me. 
The victim, 
and the doer.


Now I knew.
The whole truth.
Closed my eyes.
I rested here.
I just hope.
Once i wake.
Things will go.